The pain emotionally and physically

It’s 1 am and still awake why you ask.

Well my fingers feel someone is stretching them out of place they feel like i weight on them. They ache and that’s just the start.

My elbows ache like i been doing the job of a builder, but I work from bed most days these days. Which I’m greatful I can.

I’m lying here crying because since 9 pm, I have taken my medication but I’m still pain my knee has shooting pains and hips aches.

I’m getting little sleep I’m so exhausted the end is in site for my knee operation. In all honesty I don’t know much I have left in me.

The demons inside my head telling me that I’m not worthy to Albert’s mummy. Telling me that I might as well give up now. I feel like there is only one answer to the pain. How much am I expected to take?

The sleepless nights the tossing and turning trying to get comfortable. The late night thoughts to myself running in overdrive when there’s no one to speak to.

I’m the pain to go I want to be normal.

What I wouldn’t do for day with out pain as they come closer together and effect more of my body.

I wonder how much I can endure or will have to.

What therapy has taught me

Trigger warming the post is about sexual and emotional abuse

The only way I’m going to get on with my own life is by admiring what happened to me.

I wrote about my dark day last year in January, refusing to admit what actually happened all them years ago in a cold wet Sunday night I a hotel. I didn’t want admit I was raped not only because it by someone who I thought loved and cared for me but because I thought was it really because it was my partner at the time who did it. I found myself ask myself can that even be rape?

The answer is yes I said no, no and the trust between us was taken when that happened. To be honest the relationship between us was toxic and I was controlled and manipulated in to doing things I didn’t want to. I love friends and found myself saying if I find a new job I could leave him. As we worked together and the environment was toxic to with a bully of boss who pulled me a side 3 days after this happened and I had finally got courage to split up with him, said nobody that I worked with liked me and all the customers hated me I went home a cried. I worked with my rapest and my bully boss for 3 more years.

I honestly thought this was something I dealt with. Maybe not personally buton a sexual level until I had Albert it clearly wasn’t, but I can honestly say that confessing this and seeking help has been the best thing I have even do my therapist has amazing and not judged and listened to everything thought that comes to mind and its help with everything from my eating disorder to everyday life. I have a long way to go but I have come along way to.

I refuse to be victim of my own thoughts any longer and I refuse to be a victim of emotional and sexual abuse. I refuse to let you or what you did effect me anymore. I just hope any body reading this that is or has been effected by these issues that they reach out someone and that if someone reaches out to you, Not to judge to be that ear to listen.

Covid 19 and being autistic

If you see me shopping and I’m not wearing a mask this not because I do not want to, its because I physically I can’t.

I can’t deal with things on my face weather its a scarf or even my glasses I struggle to wear them, even tho I need them to see. They irritate me face in a way I cannot begin to explain. I don’t wear hats for the same reason alway hoods and maybe a headband for half a day if I am feeling adventurous 😂😂😂.

The same goes for gloves I can’t deal with me hands being covered I have to be able to feel things and gloves get in the way of that, I have had a melt down before because of gloves, I don’t even wear them in hight of winter i would rather my hands become painfully cold which sounds ridiculous but I feel like my sense of touch is blocked.

It’s crazy how PPE could right now could protect my life and even knowing this I physically cannot wear it. Don’t judge people who aren’t wearing because they might be like me and feel like there sences are being blocked and cannot deal with.

A photo of when I had to take Albert to the Dr and they would only see us with masks on. This was hell and I hated it and found is so hard.


Lockdown low down

This lockdown sucks I feel stuck inside my head struggling with my mental health.

My eating habits have gone from bad to worse, when I do eat the only way I can describe it is like eating gloop.

My mouth goes dry when I eat then I get excess sliver like I’m going to throw up, I know I need to eat but that doesn’t help. It’s like an impulse something I can not stop the urge to throw has gone from to worse though I am try my hardest to throw up or restrict.

Now I new there was alway a chance of this I can control anything that is going on in the outside world with coronavirus but what I can control is my eating. Bad habits of nearly 10 years are easy to fall back in and I’m not going to lie with food I’m 100 % struggling.

Then I am having night terrors again which don’t help that I have a toddler who doesn’t want to sleep ever. My night terrors are horrible I’m in my bed dreaming I wake and I’m in bed I can’t move or anything and there are people around my bed trying kill me and other things and there that vivid I think there real and because I was dreaming that I was sleep and wake up in my dream It feels real. Jack said I have been screaming in my sleep again when I do sleep I’m so scared to sleep because of these dream.

Then there is the matter of being in lock down with a 20 month old. Who has more sass than a drag queen. You say no and he drops down to the floor face down in the fetal position. I am one melt down from having a drink a breakfast jokes I don’t have breakfast. Its ridiculous and to be quite honest I pray I am back to work soon because there’s only one sassy person allowed in this house and that’s me. Never have I ever met someone as stubborn as me and because of his age he doesn’t stand about what’s going on and why my temper is short one minute and fine the next. I can’t wait to be able to have 2 minutes where I don’t hear mum or mummy I’m going to chance my name soon.

We have done some nice things we baked the neighbours cakes and delivered them and safe distance. We baked some of family care packages and delivered them at a safe distance. We planted flowers fruit and vegetables from seeds so that we can have a beautiful garden. We played in the paddling pool and did messy play. As we enter our 6th week of lock down in this house I don’t know how many more weeks I can take to be honest I am struggling mentally with being in the house and I am scared of going of the house with Albert for walks we have only been on 3 as I really don’t want him to poorly. Here is June and lets hope we can at least see close family then because that at least will be easier. Lockdown photos up to now attached the good the bad and the ugly.

“My 2019 over view”

Icover lots of things traveling with autism what you have available to your selves while travelling and other bits.

World mental health day

As someone that suffers and has suffered with mental health problems. Let me start by saying that it’s ok not to be ok, that dark hole I was in this last year was horrible and horrific.

I never want to be in place like that again but who is it won’t happen. The best thing I did was open up and to speak up first to Jack and then to my GP.

After the correct medication I feel like a new woman. I still have my bad days but who doesn’t.

My eating disorder is another story it’s always there ready and waiting to shout yell and wiggle its arms around. Bill is very much alive and it doesn’t look he will going anywhere soon. All I can say is I feel ginormous.

I have an unhealthy relationship with food and have done for ten years its hard to change a habbit of a life time. I just hope Albert doesn’t notice as he grows, its important to me to hopefully be well again where bill might be there but he has tape over his month and is restrained.

If your suffering get help even if you just tell friend, there are always people there even if you feel like there isn’t.

Sending hugs to anyone who needs them.

These photos of me before I got help always in bed or in PJ’S it’s hard seeing how was I’m just greatful I got help for my PD

The truth

I finally feel ready to speak about how my PND made me feel, how low I was how I hit rock bottom.

I would wake up and wonder why and how this has happened, why had I woken up. Surely the world would be better off without me that Albert deserved a better mother.

I just wanted to stop existing to stop everything to go to sleep and never wake up. I felt like failure, like I had let everyone down, I was so ashamed of how I felt, I now know that there was nothing to be ashamed of PND happens to alot of people and it’s common and more people should speak up about it so it stop’s being a taboo subject.

I wasn’t washing which anyone who know me know that I can’t stand smells, so I was in hole. I wouldn’t be able to cope with Albert most days just lieing in bed crying with him next or on me, waiting for Jack to come home to change him because I just couldn’t. All the while the outside world though I was ok, I can assure you all I wasn’t.

I had lost myself I no longer knew who I was, and as I write this remembering how I was, the person I was the shadow of myself, it brings tears to my eyes. I am not longer ashamed of my Post natal depression as it was my experience its something I lived through but I came out of the other side.

My message to anyone suffering in silence is to get help and there is nothing to ashamed of. There is help out there and you will not be judge for feeling like this. Even if it’s to just speak to friend please do tell and speak to someone. I’m glad I did I’m glad I was put on sertraline and I’m glad I’m still here to see another day because in all honestly if hadn’t I don’t know if I would be.

I think about all the things I would of missed if I had give up and given in to the dark thoughts and to be honest it scares me.

First day out with albert since being diagnosed with Postnatal depression

I was scared about today, i have been off my tablets for a while now. I have been feeling great, however I haven’t been with Albert on my own for longer than a few hours.I had taken the day off to be with him after his 12 month injections. I wanted to make the day as fun as possible though I was terrified what if I took ten steps backwads and couldn’t cope and we where out. What if I had a melt down autistic and other wise. I worry about after autistic melt down when we go out nosies bright lights. Even more so when Albert’s screaming or having a bad day.Well I am proud to say I didn’t and we had a great day we went for his injections which wasn’t so great. Its started with the shower breaking which ment us sharing a bath, even with that set back we still got out of the house by 9 am. However the rest of it was fantastic we went to see everyone in work and that was just the start he fell asleep I got to have a coffee in piece and quite. We went to the winter gardens and the millennium gallery. Went for lunch in cafe rouge where Albert ate a full adult’s portion of eggs Benedict. We went for Albert’s first trip to the cinema where he fell asleep. Then we went to heeley city farm park.Tho there where downsides he wet him self and screamed every time I tried to change him. Screamed and shouted for his dad every five minutes while he was awake, clearly I’m not as fun.I just wanted to say things are looking up and I feeling alot better. I loved our day together it was hard but we got through it.

Dealing with my eating disorder

I thought by now I would be a size 10 again. Ifeel lots I feel ugly and horrible my body doesn’t feel like my own I look at myself in the mirror and no longer recogniseto person starring back at me. I look at photos and my arms are massive and legs are tree trunks. I have physically ill for months now throwing up but now in honesty I don’t know if mental or physical illness.

I feel like I’m in a never ending cycle of over eating and throwing up. The guilt I feel after eating is horrible I can imagine this is what killing someone feels like.

I feel like stranger in my body like I belong anywhere, I can feel the grip against reality slipping and my eating disorder taking over. To be totally honest I don’t know if I have the power to win or to fight.

I miss looking at clothes and thinking i can wear that now I don’t think anything fits me or suits me, I feel like a shell of my former self. I know harming my body but once I’m slim I will ok right? I know the answer to that is no. I’m struggling and thats ok this was never going to easy ride. At the moment bill bulimia is winning but I am being hopeful that bill will shut his stupid face soon his thoughts have taken over my head his constant fear mongering and negativity can do one.

I am hopeful that there will light at this very dark negative tunnel I’m currently in. If anything I always have a friend in old billy in my head. I long for my jaw line back