The pain emotionally and physically

It’s 1 am and still awake why you ask.

Well my fingers feel someone is stretching them out of place they feel like i weight on them. They ache and that’s just the start.

My elbows ache like i been doing the job of a builder, but I work from bed most days these days. Which I’m greatful I can.

I’m lying here crying because since 9 pm, I have taken my medication but I’m still pain my knee has shooting pains and hips aches.

I’m getting little sleep I’m so exhausted the end is in site for my knee operation. In all honesty I don’t know much I have left in me.

The demons inside my head telling me that I’m not worthy to Albert’s mummy. Telling me that I might as well give up now. I feel like there is only one answer to the pain. How much am I expected to take?

The sleepless nights the tossing and turning trying to get comfortable. The late night thoughts to myself running in overdrive when there’s no one to speak to.

I’m the pain to go I want to be normal.

What I wouldn’t do for day with out pain as they come closer together and effect more of my body.

I wonder how much I can endure or will have to.

Admitting and dealing with my Postnatal depression

So today has been a really hard day we have been to the doctor’s and I have been diagnosed with Postnatal depression. Its ok not be ok I have tried so long to try and make it look like I’m ok when I really haven’t been ok. It’s been hard to admit but were here and to be honest I do feel disappointed in myself for needing medication I deal with alot of things without it. I feel I should be able to deal with it by my self, however I clearly couldn’t because today was the first time I had showered since Saturday and it i wasn’t at the doctor’s that wouldn’t of happen I would in bed stinking and tbh I don’t really care. The photo below is a true depiction of how I feel. My volg is below the photo.

Eating Disorder Awareness Week

 

It’s quite fitting that I write this, this week. It’s been 5 years since my Knee operation I was born with my ligaments too long, tendon’s too long and my knee cap in the wrong place. So, from the age of about 16, my knee cap kept on dislocating and popping straight back into place. It took nearly ten years for the Doctor’s to realise what was up with it, lots of complaints and a few tumbles when out and about, I finally stood my ground at 25 and said that there must be more wrong with my knee. After an MRI I finally got my diagnosis and was told I would need operation to fix the problem and wouldn’t walk for 12 weeks and then have to physical therapy to build my muscle back up and get my knee to bend again.
Through all that, the only thing I could think of is how much weight I would put on, I had to put a needle in my stomach every day for 2 weeks to stop thrombosis which made my stomach swell up to a size 14.
This scared me and led me to restricting myself, I remember my mum trying to feed me 3 meals a day, but this was not happening. In fact we had an argument about it, all I would eat was 1 salad a day through that time. This is what sticks in my mind more than anything. I had also gone from weighing myself everyday making sure the scales had dropped pounds if they had gone up that would be me making myself sick and not eating for a few days, and lots of green tea. I would weigh myself at night and first thing in the morning. Now I couldn’t even get on the scales to be able to weigh myself, these where all things out of my control and I love to be in control of things.
Though I am far out of the woods and every day is struggle from making myself sick to eating once a day, I no longer own any scales which was a big thing for me to do in fact I’m not going to lie I cried when we threw them out. I have come a long way in the past 5 years even more so since having albert, if it wasn’t for him it’s a fact that I would be stuck in my old ways. He is such an amazing little boy that I love, and I don’t want him to grow up around a mum with a serious eating disorder. So, I can only hope I grow stronger each day. Photo’s below are photo’s of me around this time.

Milestone Anxiety

 

As Albert gets older and the more milestones he leaves behind, I am doing the one thing I said I wouldn’t I am comparing him to other babies his age and younger. The more that goes by the more I worry, babies younger than him are rolling, crawling and sitting up on their own.

Yet he isn’t doing of these things. He will sit up if we sit him up in fact, he never wants to be lay down. These things are a worry for me as mum with autism because I am in constant worry that he might have it. Not that would be a bad thing but as someone who has lived with it for 30 years it’s hard to navigate through especially when you’re a child. As an adult it gets easier but it’s still not the easiest thing to live with.

I promised myself I wouldn’t worry about these things he’s just baby everyone goes at that their own speeds but it’s hard not to listen to that inner voice inside the one that goes “ he will have everything you have and more and it’s your fault you chose to have children” that’s the voice that really crushes my psyche, and it’s my own thoughts.

I haven’t told anyone these thought’s yet as people might think I’m thinking these things as Albert is only 7 months’ but the older he gets the more I worry with every missed milestone. I dread when he starts nursery and he will be surrounded with more children and I fear missed milestones. What I don’t want is him to struggle in school like did with class work but not just that but with children too, with no one willing to listen and no diagnoses. I don’t want to have relive that again, yet again I know Albert is only 8 months and probably worried over nothing and it’s a case of taking things each day a time, only time will tell but for now my anxiety over his milestone go on.

IMG_1468IMG_1400

Nights out and Anxiety

So, I went home to Manchester this weekend for a girl’s night with some of my oldest and best friends. Let’s say it’s not always easy being my friend my communication isn’t always on par and I can snap but these ladies understand and have always been there for me no matter what.


When I go out the whole day before I go out, I am bag of nerves sometimes I even throw up. This is has a lot to do with my autism and even more to with my eating disorder. I think everyone is looking at me and laughing at me and how fat I am, because of this I always need a drink before I go out gone are the days when I can go out sober, which makes me worry more about how I act because I can’t control my actions and responses as well, which leads to more anxiety.


This time however was worse as it was the first time Jack had Albert on his own for more than a few hours, it wasn’t that I didn’t think Jack couldn’t cope, I thought the opposite I was worried he wouldn’t have the confidence, but he showed everyone and I think it made him more confident with Albert and making choice’s around him.


I remember before I left thinking how much of challenge it would be to leave them both and go on night as well as get public transport which gives me the most anxiety, if I don’t make the transport type of transport or for the time I’m meant to get on, I feel like something terrible is going to happen and have a panic attack which I know is silly. So, to add to this there was a train strike with northern rail which happen to be who I booked my ticket with I was stressed and filled even more with anxiety.


However, I had a great night, these girls understand and are amazing I really couldn’t ask for better friends. I couldn’t imagine my life without them they are truly great ladies, who have always had my back. See the photos to see our years of friendship.