Author: Autistic Mummy

I'm 31 years old and a first time mummy. I moved to Sheffield from Manchester at 28. Instagram autisticmummy Facebook @AutisticMummy

Embracing the Adventure: My Solo Journey to Bucharest after 7 Years

On By Autistic MummyIn UncategorisedLeave a comment

In life, there are moments that shape us, memories that linger, and dreams that beckon us. For me, Bucharest has been one such dream for a long time. In 2017, my long-awaited trip to this enchanting city was canceled, leaving me with lingering disappointment. But now, after seven years, I am finally embarking on my first solo holiday, and I couldn’t be more nervous and excited at the same time.

The Dream Revived:

Bucharest has always held a special place in my heart. Its rich history, captivating architecture, and vibrant culture have fueled my desire to visit. After years of putting my dreams on hold, I finally decided that the time had come to make it a reality. This time, I was determined not to let anything stand in my way.

Overcoming Travel Anxiety:

Traveling alone after such a long hiatus brought about a mix of emotions. Anxiety gnawed at me, reminding me of the past struggles I faced while traveling. However, I knew I had to face my fears head-on. To make the journey more comfortable and less overwhelming, I opted for British Airways business class. Besides enjoying the luxury and comfort of business class, this choice came with an unexpected perk: fast-track security clearance. With sensory overload being a concern for me, this feature alone has significantly eased my worries about the airport experience.

Sharing My Needs with British Airways:

Knowing that travel anxiety can be overwhelming, I decided to take a step I hadn’t before: I reached out to British Airways to let them know about my condition and the challenges I might face during my journey. Their customer service was remarkable, showing understanding and compassion. This made me feel valued as a customer and alleviated some of the apprehensions I had.

The Business Class Lounge and Upgrade:

Choosing the business class also granted me access to the Business class lounge. The calm and serene atmosphere of the lounge is a haven for travelers, and I’m thrilled to experience this added comfort during my layovers. Surprisingly, the upgrade to business class was more affordable than I expected. It cost me only £16.50 and required using 10 thousand Avios points, which my partner and I had earned through our memorable Honeymoon flights to Mexico.

Embracing Blogging Again:

In the past, I found solace in blogging about my adventures. It helped me process my emotions and share my experiences with others. However, life’s distractions took me away from this fulfilling activity. Now, as I embark on this solo journey to Bucharest, I feel the urge to reconnect with blogging. Not only will it serve as a personal outlet, but it will also allow me to share my travel experiences and offer insights to fellow travellers and those who may have similar anxieties.

As the departure date draws near, I am a bundle of nerves and excitement. My solo trip to Bucharest marks the revival of a long-awaited dream and serves as a testament to overcoming personal challenges. British Airways’ understanding and the decision to fly business class has given me a sense of security, making this journey a treat rather than a source of anxiety. As I embark on this adventure, I look forward to embracing new experiences, capturing cherished memories, and sharing my journey through blogging. This is not just a holiday; it is a celebration of resilience and the joy of travel.

Fat me vs skinny me

On By Autistic MummyIn #bulimia, eating disorder, my eating disorderLeave a comment

It’s nearly one am and here I am on Facebook, looking at old photos of me at 8 and half stone.

The me that live of a bowl a soup a day a deal with the shakes, the me that would binge and purge by any means nessary and I do mean any means. I did not need the toilet straight after meal if I did eat. The me that would abuse laxatives like they where sweets at one point I was taking 8 a day and they had lost there use.

I hold such a regard for me being skinny not anyone else, I mean it’s like I see a size 6 person and think there any better than a size 22 person. I just think that about myself like at a size 6 to 8 I’m beautiful but at a 12 – 14 I don’t look a attractive or have confidence, I basically feel like jabber the hut.

I try to be kind to myself, I can’t use the fact I had a baby as an excuse any more, I am trying to cut down on the snacks right now I can’t really do any exercise because of knee. The whole lock down isn’t helping I feel like a gold fish in bowl. I am living for the days we go shopping as I get to leave the house. Its

It’s crazy that I hold myself, on such a level of skinny like being a size 8 makes me a better a person than now, I just am at the point where I literally want to chop the fat off me, to have bones my jaw line and collar bone.

I’m always going poorly when it comes to weight and food l, an eating disorder never goes away. It’s just that voice goes a little quoter and not as often, with everything else going on right now it’s the one thing I can control and that is what it’s really about right now. Everything else is spiraling and it’s harder for me to hold on.

My most trigging photo here I was about 8 and half stone.
Again from same night out
A size 14 dress with shape wear all I can see is a fat face and belly
My reasons for not giving up and not letting the voices win straight away

The pain emotionally and physically

On By Autistic MummyIn hypermobility, Motherhood, worriesLeave a comment

It’s 1 am and still awake why you ask.

Well my fingers feel someone is stretching them out of place they feel like i weight on them. They ache and that’s just the start.

My elbows ache like i been doing the job of a builder, but I work from bed most days these days. Which I’m greatful I can.

I’m lying here crying because since 9 pm, I have taken my medication but I’m still pain my knee has shooting pains and hips aches.

I’m getting little sleep I’m so exhausted the end is in site for my knee operation. In all honesty I don’t know much I have left in me.

The demons inside my head telling me that I’m not worthy to Albert’s mummy. Telling me that I might as well give up now. I feel like there is only one answer to the pain. How much am I expected to take?

The sleepless nights the tossing and turning trying to get comfortable. The late night thoughts to myself running in overdrive when there’s no one to speak to.

I’m the pain to go I want to be normal.

What I wouldn’t do for day with out pain as they come closer together and effect more of my body.

I wonder how much I can endure or will have to.

What therapy has taught me

On By Autistic MummyIn UncategorisedLeave a comment

Trigger warming the post is about sexual and emotional abuse

The only way I’m going to get on with my own life is by admiring what happened to me.

I wrote about my dark day last year in January, refusing to admit what actually happened all them years ago in a cold wet Sunday night I a hotel. I didn’t want admit I was raped not only because it by someone who I thought loved and cared for me but because I thought was it really because it was my partner at the time who did it. I found myself ask myself can that even be rape?

The answer is yes I said no, no and the trust between us was taken when that happened. To be honest the relationship between us was toxic and I was controlled and manipulated in to doing things I didn’t want to. I love friends and found myself saying if I find a new job I could leave him. As we worked together and the environment was toxic to with a bully of boss who pulled me a side 3 days after this happened and I had finally got courage to split up with him, said nobody that I worked with liked me and all the customers hated me I went home a cried. I worked with my rapest and my bully boss for 3 more years.

I honestly thought this was something I dealt with. Maybe not personally buton a sexual level until I had Albert it clearly wasn’t, but I can honestly say that confessing this and seeking help has been the best thing I have even do my therapist has amazing and not judged and listened to everything thought that comes to mind and its help with everything from my eating disorder to everyday life. I have a long way to go but I have come along way to.

I refuse to be victim of my own thoughts any longer and I refuse to be a victim of emotional and sexual abuse. I refuse to let you or what you did effect me anymore. I just hope any body reading this that is or has been effected by these issues that they reach out someone and that if someone reaches out to you, Not to judge to be that ear to listen.

Covid 19 and being autistic

On By Autistic MummyIn UncategorisedLeave a comment

If you see me shopping and I’m not wearing a mask this not because I do not want to, its because I physically I can’t.

I can’t deal with things on my face weather its a scarf or even my glasses I struggle to wear them, even tho I need them to see. They irritate me face in a way I cannot begin to explain. I don’t wear hats for the same reason alway hoods and maybe a headband for half a day if I am feeling adventurous 😂😂😂.

The same goes for gloves I can’t deal with me hands being covered I have to be able to feel things and gloves get in the way of that, I have had a melt down before because of gloves, I don’t even wear them in hight of winter i would rather my hands become painfully cold which sounds ridiculous but I feel like my sense of touch is blocked.

It’s crazy how PPE could right now could protect my life and even knowing this I physically cannot wear it. Don’t judge people who aren’t wearing because they might be like me and feel like there sences are being blocked and cannot deal with.

A photo of when I had to take Albert to the Dr and they would only see us with masks on. This was hell and I hated it and found is so hard.

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Lockdown low down

On By Autistic MummyIn Uncategorised2 Comments

This lockdown sucks I feel stuck inside my head struggling with my mental health.

My eating habits have gone from bad to worse, when I do eat the only way I can describe it is like eating gloop.

My mouth goes dry when I eat then I get excess sliver like I’m going to throw up, I know I need to eat but that doesn’t help. It’s like an impulse something I can not stop the urge to throw has gone from to worse though I am try my hardest to throw up or restrict.

Now I new there was alway a chance of this I can control anything that is going on in the outside world with coronavirus but what I can control is my eating. Bad habits of nearly 10 years are easy to fall back in and I’m not going to lie with food I’m 100 % struggling.

Then I am having night terrors again which don’t help that I have a toddler who doesn’t want to sleep ever. My night terrors are horrible I’m in my bed dreaming I wake and I’m in bed I can’t move or anything and there are people around my bed trying kill me and other things and there that vivid I think there real and because I was dreaming that I was sleep and wake up in my dream It feels real. Jack said I have been screaming in my sleep again when I do sleep I’m so scared to sleep because of these dream.

Then there is the matter of being in lock down with a 20 month old. Who has more sass than a drag queen. You say no and he drops down to the floor face down in the fetal position. I am one melt down from having a drink a breakfast jokes I don’t have breakfast. Its ridiculous and to be quite honest I pray I am back to work soon because there’s only one sassy person allowed in this house and that’s me. Never have I ever met someone as stubborn as me and because of his age he doesn’t stand about what’s going on and why my temper is short one minute and fine the next. I can’t wait to be able to have 2 minutes where I don’t hear mum or mummy I’m going to chance my name soon.

We have done some nice things we baked the neighbours cakes and delivered them and safe distance. We baked some of family care packages and delivered them at a safe distance. We planted flowers fruit and vegetables from seeds so that we can have a beautiful garden. We played in the paddling pool and did messy play. As we enter our 6th week of lock down in this house I don’t know how many more weeks I can take to be honest I am struggling mentally with being in the house and I am scared of going of the house with Albert for walks we have only been on 3 as I really don’t want him to poorly. Here is June and lets hope we can at least see close family then because that at least will be easier. Lockdown photos up to now attached the good the bad and the ugly.

  • fbt
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    World mental health day

    On By Autistic MummyIn UncategorisedLeave a comment

    As someone that suffers and has suffered with mental health problems. Let me start by saying that it’s ok not to be ok, that dark hole I was in this last year was horrible and horrific.

    I never want to be in place like that again but who is it won’t happen. The best thing I did was open up and to speak up first to Jack and then to my GP.

    After the correct medication I feel like a new woman. I still have my bad days but who doesn’t.

    My eating disorder is another story it’s always there ready and waiting to shout yell and wiggle its arms around. Bill is very much alive and it doesn’t look he will going anywhere soon. All I can say is I feel ginormous.

    I have an unhealthy relationship with food and have done for ten years its hard to change a habbit of a life time. I just hope Albert doesn’t notice as he grows, its important to me to hopefully be well again where bill might be there but he has tape over his month and is restrained.

    If your suffering get help even if you just tell friend, there are always people there even if you feel like there isn’t.

    Sending hugs to anyone who needs them.

    These photos of me before I got help always in bed or in PJ’S it’s hard seeing how was I’m just greatful I got help for my PD

    The truth

    On By Autistic MummyIn Motherhood, Postnatal depression, Uncategorised1 Comment

    I finally feel ready to speak about how my PND made me feel, how low I was how I hit rock bottom.

    I would wake up and wonder why and how this has happened, why had I woken up. Surely the world would be better off without me that Albert deserved a better mother.

    I just wanted to stop existing to stop everything to go to sleep and never wake up. I felt like failure, like I had let everyone down, I was so ashamed of how I felt, I now know that there was nothing to be ashamed of PND happens to alot of people and it’s common and more people should speak up about it so it stop’s being a taboo subject.

    I wasn’t washing which anyone who know me know that I can’t stand smells, so I was in hole. I wouldn’t be able to cope with Albert most days just lieing in bed crying with him next or on me, waiting for Jack to come home to change him because I just couldn’t. All the while the outside world though I was ok, I can assure you all I wasn’t.

    I had lost myself I no longer knew who I was, and as I write this remembering how I was, the person I was the shadow of myself, it brings tears to my eyes. I am not longer ashamed of my Post natal depression as it was my experience its something I lived through but I came out of the other side.

    My message to anyone suffering in silence is to get help and there is nothing to ashamed of. There is help out there and you will not be judge for feeling like this. Even if it’s to just speak to friend please do tell and speak to someone. I’m glad I did I’m glad I was put on sertraline and I’m glad I’m still here to see another day because in all honestly if hadn’t I don’t know if I would be.

    I think about all the things I would of missed if I had give up and given in to the dark thoughts and to be honest it scares me.