Fat me vs skinny me

It’s nearly one am and here I am on Facebook, looking at old photos of me at 8 and half stone.

The me that live of a bowl a soup a day a deal with the shakes, the me that would binge and purge by any means nessary and I do mean any means. I did not need the toilet straight after meal if I did eat. The me that would abuse laxatives like they where sweets at one point I was taking 8 a day and they had lost there use.

I hold such a regard for me being skinny not anyone else, I mean it’s like I see a size 6 person and think there any better than a size 22 person. I just think that about myself like at a size 6 to 8 I’m beautiful but at a 12 – 14 I don’t look a attractive or have confidence, I basically feel like jabber the hut.

I try to be kind to myself, I can’t use the fact I had a baby as an excuse any more, I am trying to cut down on the snacks right now I can’t really do any exercise because of knee. The whole lock down isn’t helping I feel like a gold fish in bowl. I am living for the days we go shopping as I get to leave the house. Its

It’s crazy that I hold myself, on such a level of skinny like being a size 8 makes me a better a person than now, I just am at the point where I literally want to chop the fat off me, to have bones my jaw line and collar bone.

I’m always going poorly when it comes to weight and food l, an eating disorder never goes away. It’s just that voice goes a little quoter and not as often, with everything else going on right now it’s the one thing I can control and that is what it’s really about right now. Everything else is spiraling and it’s harder for me to hold on.

My most trigging photo here I was about 8 and half stone.
Again from same night out
A size 14 dress with shape wear all I can see is a fat face and belly
My reasons for not giving up and not letting the voices win straight away

What therapy has taught me

Trigger warming the post is about sexual and emotional abuse

The only way I’m going to get on with my own life is by admiring what happened to me.

I wrote about my dark day last year in January, refusing to admit what actually happened all them years ago in a cold wet Sunday night I a hotel. I didn’t want admit I was raped not only because it by someone who I thought loved and cared for me but because I thought was it really because it was my partner at the time who did it. I found myself ask myself can that even be rape?

The answer is yes I said no, no and the trust between us was taken when that happened. To be honest the relationship between us was toxic and I was controlled and manipulated in to doing things I didn’t want to. I love friends and found myself saying if I find a new job I could leave him. As we worked together and the environment was toxic to with a bully of boss who pulled me a side 3 days after this happened and I had finally got courage to split up with him, said nobody that I worked with liked me and all the customers hated me I went home a cried. I worked with my rapest and my bully boss for 3 more years.

I honestly thought this was something I dealt with. Maybe not personally buton a sexual level until I had Albert it clearly wasn’t, but I can honestly say that confessing this and seeking help has been the best thing I have even do my therapist has amazing and not judged and listened to everything thought that comes to mind and its help with everything from my eating disorder to everyday life. I have a long way to go but I have come along way to.

I refuse to be victim of my own thoughts any longer and I refuse to be a victim of emotional and sexual abuse. I refuse to let you or what you did effect me anymore. I just hope any body reading this that is or has been effected by these issues that they reach out someone and that if someone reaches out to you, Not to judge to be that ear to listen.

Covid 19 and being autistic

If you see me shopping and I’m not wearing a mask this not because I do not want to, its because I physically I can’t.

I can’t deal with things on my face weather its a scarf or even my glasses I struggle to wear them, even tho I need them to see. They irritate me face in a way I cannot begin to explain. I don’t wear hats for the same reason alway hoods and maybe a headband for half a day if I am feeling adventurous 😂😂😂.

The same goes for gloves I can’t deal with me hands being covered I have to be able to feel things and gloves get in the way of that, I have had a melt down before because of gloves, I don’t even wear them in hight of winter i would rather my hands become painfully cold which sounds ridiculous but I feel like my sense of touch is blocked.

It’s crazy how PPE could right now could protect my life and even knowing this I physically cannot wear it. Don’t judge people who aren’t wearing because they might be like me and feel like there sences are being blocked and cannot deal with.

A photo of when I had to take Albert to the Dr and they would only see us with masks on. This was hell and I hated it and found is so hard.


First day out with albert since being diagnosed with Postnatal depression

I was scared about today, i have been off my tablets for a while now. I have been feeling great, however I haven’t been with Albert on my own for longer than a few hours.I had taken the day off to be with him after his 12 month injections. I wanted to make the day as fun as possible though I was terrified what if I took ten steps backwads and couldn’t cope and we where out. What if I had a melt down autistic and other wise. I worry about after autistic melt down when we go out nosies bright lights. Even more so when Albert’s screaming or having a bad day.Well I am proud to say I didn’t and we had a great day we went for his injections which wasn’t so great. Its started with the shower breaking which ment us sharing a bath, even with that set back we still got out of the house by 9 am. However the rest of it was fantastic we went to see everyone in work and that was just the start he fell asleep I got to have a coffee in piece and quite. We went to the winter gardens and the millennium gallery. Went for lunch in cafe rouge where Albert ate a full adult’s portion of eggs Benedict. We went for Albert’s first trip to the cinema where he fell asleep. Then we went to heeley city farm park.Tho there where downsides he wet him self and screamed every time I tried to change him. Screamed and shouted for his dad every five minutes while he was awake, clearly I’m not as fun.I just wanted to say things are looking up and I feeling alot better. I loved our day together it was hard but we got through it.

Milestone Anxiety


As Albert gets older and the more milestones he leaves behind, I am doing the one thing I said I wouldn’t I am comparing him to other babies his age and younger. The more that goes by the more I worry, babies younger than him are rolling, crawling and sitting up on their own.

Yet he isn’t doing of these things. He will sit up if we sit him up in fact, he never wants to be lay down. These things are a worry for me as mum with autism because I am in constant worry that he might have it. Not that would be a bad thing but as someone who has lived with it for 30 years it’s hard to navigate through especially when you’re a child. As an adult it gets easier but it’s still not the easiest thing to live with.

I promised myself I wouldn’t worry about these things he’s just baby everyone goes at that their own speeds but it’s hard not to listen to that inner voice inside the one that goes “ he will have everything you have and more and it’s your fault you chose to have children” that’s the voice that really crushes my psyche, and it’s my own thoughts.

I haven’t told anyone these thought’s yet as people might think I’m thinking these things as Albert is only 7 months’ but the older he gets the more I worry with every missed milestone. I dread when he starts nursery and he will be surrounded with more children and I fear missed milestones. What I don’t want is him to struggle in school like did with class work but not just that but with children too, with no one willing to listen and no diagnoses. I don’t want to have relive that again, yet again I know Albert is only 8 months and probably worried over nothing and it’s a case of taking things each day a time, only time will tell but for now my anxiety over his milestone go on.


My first blog

So here I am in the bath and my other half Jack has just asked me if its ok if goes to play cards with his friends tomorrow, let me just get this across I don’t begrudge him going. I of course said I yes, as I really don’t mind.

However it has made me question me the only friends I really have are in Manchester I have 2 friends in Sheffield and don’t get me wrong I am very grateful for these friends ay I am, I may be a big character however what you see is what you get, i’m not false and try to stay out of such things.

As I write this it’s hard to get my words out as I struggle with this but I thought I would try as I am going to try and go to more mother and baby things to try and become less isolated and become better at socializing as an adult, and help Albert socialise.

It’s hard when you have no friends its even harder when you have no friends and a baby to think of.

That’s it for now I will be back soon. IMG_9779