It’s nearly one am and here I am on Facebook, looking at old photos of me at 8 and half stone.
The me that live of a bowl a soup a day a deal with the shakes, the me that would binge and purge by any means nessary and I do mean any means. I did not need the toilet straight after meal if I did eat. The me that would abuse laxatives like they where sweets at one point I was taking 8 a day and they had lost there use.
I hold such a regard for me being skinny not anyone else, I mean it’s like I see a size 6 person and think there any better than a size 22 person. I just think that about myself like at a size 6 to 8 I’m beautiful but at a 12 – 14 I don’t look a attractive or have confidence, I basically feel like jabber the hut.
I try to be kind to myself, I can’t use the fact I had a baby as an excuse any more, I am trying to cut down on the snacks right now I can’t really do any exercise because of knee. The whole lock down isn’t helping I feel like a gold fish in bowl. I am living for the days we go shopping as I get to leave the house. Its
It’s crazy that I hold myself, on such a level of skinny like being a size 8 makes me a better a person than now, I just am at the point where I literally want to chop the fat off me, to have bones my jaw line and collar bone.
I’m always going poorly when it comes to weight and food l, an eating disorder never goes away. It’s just that voice goes a little quoter and not as often, with everything else going on right now it’s the one thing I can control and that is what it’s really about right now. Everything else is spiraling and it’s harder for me to hold on.