First day out with albert since being diagnosed with Postnatal depression

I was scared about today, i have been off my tablets for a while now. I have been feeling great, however I haven’t been with Albert on my own for longer than a few hours.I had taken the day off to be with him after his 12 month injections. I wanted to make the day as fun as possible though I was terrified what if I took ten steps backwads and couldn’t cope and we where out. What if I had a melt down autistic and other wise. I worry about after autistic melt down when we go out nosies bright lights. Even more so when Albert’s screaming or having a bad day.Well I am proud to say I didn’t and we had a great day we went for his injections which wasn’t so great. Its started with the shower breaking which ment us sharing a bath, even with that set back we still got out of the house by 9 am. However the rest of it was fantastic we went to see everyone in work and that was just the start he fell asleep I got to have a coffee in piece and quite. We went to the winter gardens and the millennium gallery. Went for lunch in cafe rouge where Albert ate a full adult’s portion of eggs Benedict. We went for Albert’s first trip to the cinema where he fell asleep. Then we went to heeley city farm park.Tho there where downsides he wet him self and screamed every time I tried to change him. Screamed and shouted for his dad every five minutes while he was awake, clearly I’m not as fun.I just wanted to say things are looking up and I feeling alot better. I loved our day together it was hard but we got through it.




Milestone Anxiety

 

As Albert gets older and the more milestones he leaves behind, I am doing the one thing I said I wouldn’t I am comparing him to other babies his age and younger. The more that goes by the more I worry, babies younger than him are rolling, crawling and sitting up on their own.

Yet he isn’t doing of these things. He will sit up if we sit him up in fact, he never wants to be lay down. These things are a worry for me as mum with autism because I am in constant worry that he might have it. Not that would be a bad thing but as someone who has lived with it for 30 years it’s hard to navigate through especially when you’re a child. As an adult it gets easier but it’s still not the easiest thing to live with.

I promised myself I wouldn’t worry about these things he’s just baby everyone goes at that their own speeds but it’s hard not to listen to that inner voice inside the one that goes “ he will have everything you have and more and it’s your fault you chose to have children” that’s the voice that really crushes my psyche, and it’s my own thoughts.

I haven’t told anyone these thought’s yet as people might think I’m thinking these things as Albert is only 7 months’ but the older he gets the more I worry with every missed milestone. I dread when he starts nursery and he will be surrounded with more children and I fear missed milestones. What I don’t want is him to struggle in school like did with class work but not just that but with children too, with no one willing to listen and no diagnoses. I don’t want to have relive that again, yet again I know Albert is only 8 months and probably worried over nothing and it’s a case of taking things each day a time, only time will tell but for now my anxiety over his milestone go on.

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My first blog

So here I am in the bath and my other half Jack has just asked me if its ok if goes to play cards with his friends tomorrow, let me just get this across I don’t begrudge him going. I of course said I yes, as I really don’t mind.

However it has made me question me the only friends I really have are in Manchester I have 2 friends in Sheffield and don’t get me wrong I am very grateful for these friends ay I am, I may be a big character however what you see is what you get, i’m not false and try to stay out of such things.

As I write this it’s hard to get my words out as I struggle with this but I thought I would try as I am going to try and go to more mother and baby things to try and become less isolated and become better at socializing as an adult, and help Albert socialise.

It’s hard when you have no friends its even harder when you have no friends and a baby to think of.

That’s it for now I will be back soon. IMG_9779